Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Christy Smedberg's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 6th, 2010
10:34 am	Clearing my head Ok, the other day I was supper depressed and had no motivation at all. I went to Ben fo a little emotional support and made the comment that he always seemed happy despite his current situation. Then he made a very interesting reply... I'm not a happy man belive me I'm not, But I know sitting around and mooping about it isn't going to change my situation and in most cases it can actualy make it worse.. so why be depressed about it? Then he looked at me and started laughing and said... and now is where the light in your head comes on cus you realize everything he just said is true and you start thinking OMG he's right I should stop being depressed now. am I right? AS much as I wanted to just disagree with him I couldn't cus the way he said it made me laugh. Which is one of the many reasons I love him so much, he can make me laugh even when I'm super depressed, and can talk sence into me.... at the same time. by the end of the day I felt better and wasn't moopy the next morning. I still gota shit load of homework but I'm gona take it slow. work on what is due first and not even think about the rest, I'll have time for that later. So I got a Cost Estimating Worksheet to get done and a buisness budget to complete. Plus a 2 page essay on Frank Lloyd Wright's Praire Style and how it differs from Victorian houses. that's the easy one cus I could actauly make that a 3-4 page essay beacus I know So Much about the guy and his work. Just might be difficult explaining victorian archetecture since I only have limeted knowlege on that style, but I can fudge it. Kids are gona be over three weekends in a row, OMG how am I gona manage this. expecaily the 21st cus I gota Rolling thunder meeting that I can by no means miss! Its the yearly budget report plus I get my offical membership patch. I have missed way to many meetings cus of school and the kids and I really need to start going to Events again. OMG in two weeks from Wensday it will be my 26th birthday! I got No classes and I wana get out of this city and just go to the mall! Hopfuly my Rich Aunt will take me out for my birthday lunch and buy me a pressent at the mall. Crossin fingers here, cus I want Ben to go with me. Nothin would make me happier then to spend my birthday just hanging out with him at the mall. Ok I lied, I still want Birthday sex. now that's a present I havn't had In a Long ass time. For my spring break trip, Ben had added a few more sugestions on what to do for activites. He really wants to find a quarter pound of the green stuff, as a sovineer to take home. Not sure if I wana carry that aroose 5 states and I'm not sure if I'll have the money for it either. I also know he wants to spend the bulk of His time with Chrissy his BFF, which is fine as long as I'm not getting ignored. I'd rather do a full tour of the Portland anyways cus I eventualy would like to live there, and I know Ben dose too. take that back he'd like to live with Chrissy. Now she IS the only girl that I honestly Am jelous of cus I know how bad Ben's got it for her, and he'd leave everybody behind if she asked him to. I just hope he dosn't. Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
1:25 pm	For some reason beyond my understanding... I wake up extremly depressed. I have no Motivation, no will power, no appetite, no concentration, and this general feeling of hopelessness. I'm strugling to make myself do something but I can't even focus for more then a few seconds. I have so much homework to do but I look at it and I have no clue how to even begin. which is anoth thing that's botherin me I'v lost the ablity to retain information or even comprehend it. Its like my brain has completly shut down... and that scares me. I want to learn I really do, but I just can't anymore and I don't know why. I can't even recall things from memory that i used to know. I feel so lost and frustrated; I don't know what to do. with my world caving in around me I see less and less of my future going where it's suppsed to, but then again where is it supposed to go? It seems any attemp I'v made to better myself has backfired somehow. Which brings up my argument that GOD likes screwing with me. He wont let me be happy and he wont let me die. Its getting close to the point something bad is going to happen to me agian and I fear It will bring someone else down with me as well. Everyday I live in fear that I'll get caught housing a non student and both of us will get thrown out. Inspections I know will come before spring break and how we're gona pull it off I don't know. Also looked at my bank account... I'm not gona have enough money to last till April. I need to start sellin stuff off and get an income somehow fast. I'v wasted my money on alot of stupid shit and that seems to be a bad habit I keep repeating. you'd think I'd learn a little self control by now. I need a marical here but I'm afraid to ask for one. I know that I have a couple options but I'm afriad neither one of them will work. I'v set myself up to fail so many times that I'v lost faith in myself. How can I take on extra work if I can't even motivate myself to even start on the homework assignments I got now? I need help, but whenever I ask I get turned away. that just adds to my depression more and reinstates my belief that The world would rather ignore me and nobody cares. I just wish I had something to look forward to, to actualy give me the motivation I need to get out of this black hole I'm in. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 1st, 2010
9:40 am	gota stupid DHS appointment at 1:00 today to re-evaluate my case so I can hopfuly continue to recieve foodstamps and Medicaid. OMG would I be screwed if I lost that. Which is why Next week I have an appointment with Scocial Security office to see if I qualify for any type of disablity. It's not that I can't work at all but with this Knee being so bad it sure makes it difficult. bosses don't like seeing me pop pain pills or having to stop an rub my knee cus it hurts. Granted I also have some Mental problems but Bi-polar depression hasn't really stoped me from doing my job, although at times It makes me get a little bit more acident prone and I tend to work slower. Most jobs I'v had tho have had a radio on. so even tho in general I might be in a bad mood I can enjoy the moment if one of my fav songs is playing. Music has always been one of those self remidies. anyways back to my appointments. the other thing I listed on my application is Hypo-glycemia. Now that Has affected me working, probebly more then the knee. When you constently have Low-blood suger and get bad crashes From eating... It can make it extremly difficult to stay "with it". if the crashes are bad enough I could slip into a coma. Just what a prospective employer needs. the best way to keep it level is to snack on high-carb foods, which requirs me to need more breaks. Frist sign that my suger is low... my finger tips go numb. Then I start feeling lighthead, and then I start feeling extremly sleepy. kinda creeped the teacher out one semester cus he saw my eyes roll to the back of my head. anyways I serously hope I can get some kinda SSI. there is something-someone else on my mind... Ben. OMG have I got it bad for him. When all you can think about when your not with that person is them.. ya its bad. I'v been having this urg to just Cling to him and I'v been trying not to... unsuccesfully. I need to be able to spend time away from him without feeling love-sick. I think I can honestly compair it to a bad highschool crush, and being stuck in the "puppy love" phase. the tricky part of this whole thing is even tho I know I need to back off a bit... right now I'm extremly happy and I'm not sure if I wana compromise that. the more I'm with him the happier I am, and I like being happy. Well ben, your the genous in this relationship got any sugestions for your Cling-on? Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, January 29th, 2010
12:01 pm	Listening to one of the Beatles best songs, that also makes me sad to listen to... Hey Jude. So if you know me you'll know who I'v got on my mind. I really miss him and now is one of those times I just wana hold on to him tight... but I can't. To never be able to hold my one and only child kills me inside. Pain like this can't be compaired to, cus it huants you everyday. I can remember a time in my life I had my future planed out around Julian, and nothing else mattered to me but him. Now I'm just living day to day with no real plans on the future. granted I still try to make some kinda "buisness" plan as far as school/work goes but nothin more. Somehow when I had nothing but Julain... that was all I needed to keep going. I was living for someone and all I could think about was watching them grow up. That was something to live for, a reason I had never found before. Now I'm back to the state of mind I had before Jude. I had never vauled my own life or a reason in this world to keep living. sure the ideal is to want to have lots of money, a good job doing what ya love, a place of your own... but is that really living for something? I never imagined I could get so much happiness from having a child. All the other stuff that most people want in this world revoles around Money. All I'v ever wanted was Love, and there it was, in the form of a child. I'll never get that love back. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
8:31 pm	well, when We (ben and I) got back from house searchin... I started feeling sick to my stomic. So, I smoked a little weed in my new pipe and I started feeling better. then I got extremly sleepy so I went to bed. got up, felt ok, and desided to eat dinner. I get done eating and now I feel sick agian. ug and I'm still feeling the buzz from earlier! Ben's starting to come down with something too which dosn't help either, cus Jessy texted Ben asking us if we could watch the kids cus SHE was feeling sick. Is there another bug going around? I hope it will pass cus Friday is bar night and I don't wana miss this. Jason is gona be Missy's date!! He's been avoiding that place and missy for awhile but after me and her both bugged him enough times he's finaly agreeed to start dating her and hang out with us at Charley's. I don't plan on drinkin much, unless someone buys me somethin, cus Me broke. In other news, I'm pissed at my teacher for not clarifying our research project. the list of stuff he wants us to find Is like lookin for a needle in a haystack. Find an artical on an overbudgeted project..Ok simple. BUT he wants the artical to contain the folowing information... why was it overbudgeted, what Method was used to give the estimate, what was the relationship between the client and the architect, and what tool or software was used for estimating? ok out of the 5 articals I found... none of which even hinted of the method of pricing the project or what tool/software was used. I think I'm gona just say fuck it and leave it out, cus If I can't find it, there's no point in me wasting more time trying to find an artical that dose. Also pissed cus the teacher wont explain a key part on how to calculate estamites. there is this nifty little thing called a "cost multiplier" which determins on average how much a certain type of building a certain size would cost to build. now to get this Muliplyer you also have to find what is called the "size factor" which compairs the Proposed project with another of close to the same size and building type of another. Now the procces of finding what the size factor and mulitplier are.... the teacher failed to mention. Simple math but in any equation if you fail to mention a step, the final answer will be wrong. he gve us charts/tables with tons of info but again failed to mention what we were looking for and how to use the numbers givin. so I'm completly lost. and the bitch of it is this is the same teacher that failed me last semester. now on the post from earlier... Ben had one simple reply...."probelm is if I'm talkin to a pretty girl and she asks, "who is that?" and I say well that's my girlfreind... she's gona say bye-bye." OK so that's the main reason you wont date me right now? your afaid I'm gona scare off your booty calls? I can't argue with your way of thinking but if that's what your worried about... then dont tell them about me. what they wont know wont hurt them; but if there's another reason you dont want to tho.. please tell me. I just don't wana hear that you'v decided to date one of your booty calls after that big speach you made about wanting to stay single. getting exiced about visting Nathan in march. we've been friends for about ten years and its gona be so awsome to actualy just hang out with him. More exicted about watching him preform. The New Jangles as a band are, on my list anyways, one of the best rock bands out there... and I can honestly rate them at the same level with Nickelback. Although I'v been addicted to Nathan's songwritting as long as I'v know ya. not many people have that type of talent and I evny the amount of creativty you have to be able to write, compose, and preform music like that. Just hope you make it big... cus man you deserve it! also anxous to meet Jen... the love of his life. she's equealy as awsome of a person as Nathan and I can't waite to see them get married one day... soon. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 11th, 2010
10:44 am	Frist day of classes for a new semester and I'm nervous. This semester I gota keep my grades above C or I loose everything. Problem is I got two of the toughest teachers, one for assigning too much homwork and the other for giving out extremly hard tests. Only class I'm looking forward to is history, which all I gota do is write essays summerizing what was covered in lectures. that wont be so bad especaily since I now have someone that can proof-read them insted of me trying to figure out what mistakes I made.... and I tend to make alot. On a side note.. Ben has been a sweetheart to me and the little things he dose for me, still shocks me. Living with Kevin OMG drove me nuts. He claimed he loved/cared about me but never did or say anything to prove it. The number of times we argued abuot little shit like chores is rediculous. I could tell him a million times to do something as simple as take out the trash and it'd never get done. what was worse is when something was bothering me or I was flat out depressed... he would get pissed off at me and didn't want to even talk to or comfort me. Ben's the complete opposite. I don't have to tell him to do much cus he dose it on his own, or if I do tell him, I only have to say it once. the biggest shocker to me is when I do start to have a problem with him or something esle He dose actualy listen and not get pissed off at me. Out of all the people I'v known/been with he seems to care about me the most; Which makes me love him more. Last night was a shocker as well. He hates gay porn, makes him sick to his stomic, but knows I like it so he pulled up a site and found a guy-on-guy vedio for me to watch while we were going at it. He did something for me that he hates... if that aint love I don't know what is. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 9th, 2010
8:20 pm	am I not worth it? latly I'v been feeling disconnected from socity, or society has been trying to get away from me. Ben's got his booty call over for the night and when I try to get one I get turned down or left out. maybe its just me but why do I get the feeling that no one wants to have sex with me anymore... am I that bad or just not worth the effort? I don't like being left out... I got "left out" from just about everything in my life. From grade school up the main reason has been cus No body wanted to be my freind. so I get left out from games... from parties... even left out on family stuff... and now my sex life has taken a hit. its like the whole world has shunned me from birth. Why? what have I done or what about me just turns people off? Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
11:59 am	For once I'm gona make a happy post Things are going well in my life so far even tho the future still looks ucertain. Me and Ben have been talking alot on where are current relationship is heading and so far things are looking good. Over New Years he pulled me aside from the party and wanted to talk about where our relationship is going. He said if I really want Us to work out I needed to follow some guidlines. The big one is not getting upset/jelouse over his other booty calls. I admited it did bother me a bit but mostly cus I was here while they were upstairs. It makes me feel akward when his booty calls are over and I'm also here. I would rather Not be here when he has his girls over, and I told him I would rather have it that way. Give me a heads up so I can plan to go vist some of my freinds. When school starts back up, try to have your girls come over while I'm in class... and shoot me a text when your done so I don't have to walk-in on anything. I can stay on campus and find other things to keep me occupied... like homework. The other thing that kinda tied into having his booty calls over was the last LJ Post I made. I have the tendancy to vent on here BEFORE talking to an actual person about it. One reason is that I'v always been timid to voice my oppion/feelings in person especaly when its about someone, cus everytime I did talk to the person about what was bugging me I get rejected. So I built up this fear for not wanting to talk directly to people becuase the reaction has always been negative. Ben is one of the very few people that actauly listens and sympathizes with me about what's really bugging me. There have been several times I'v been afriad to talk to him about stuff he says/dose or how I really feel about certian things... because I was thinking he was gona get pissed off with me. He hasn't... which suprizes me cus no one has ever been that caring or sympathetic twords my thoughts and feelings. (one more reason to add to the list of why I love you so damn much) So from now on I gota talk to him BEFORE I post in here or my other journal... even if I'm still scared. He thinks we stand a good chance of making this work, but it will still be a few years to know for sure. We can both argree that we don't wana rush into things and I think that might be the key. Yes a part of me just wants to be selfish but this Open relationship seems to be working so far, and I'm not gona let the "spoiled child" ruin what happiness I already have. Right Now I'm extremly happy... which is almost scary cus I havn't felt like this in a long time. what's even more scary is what's happening to me when I'm around Ben's kids. I kick into mommy mood around them and even as stressed out as logan can get me... I somehow feel Normal/whole. After Jude died I had this big gapping void in my heart and soul and it felt like I was missing a leg or arm. Jude WAS the reason for my existance, then when he left... I felt dead too. Now as scary as this might be... when I'm playing with Kota that void in my soul is filled. I never thought another child could do that, but I gess I'v gotton attached. Kota dose remind me of Jude alot tho so that might be one reason he's grown on me. Biggest simalarity... those Slate Blue eyes; creepy at times cus it feels like staring at a gost. Yet I can sparete Kota from Julian. When I'm around all three at once... it feels like I'm a part of a family, and I get this great sence of Calm come over me. something about all of this just seems so normal to me... like this is supposed to happen. Maybe I'm reading to deep into this, time will only tell. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
8:13 pm	this can't continue... well one of Ben's fuck buddies is here and apperantly got here long before I did. I'v been home for almost 3 hours... and they're still up there going at it. Honestly that's not what bothers me... what bugs me is I thought I would be able to have a little time to myslef IN My Room before she got here to unpack and shit. Nope... I'm banished to the downstairs. I thought ok this shouldn't take too long... but it has. I'm truthfully tired and just wana go to bed but I don't wana go upstairs. I don't wana hear what's going on in there and these walls aren't very soundproof. have to really crank up my media player to NOT hear anything. ya I'm a little jelouse but I'm trying not to let this get to me. Actualy what bugs me is that He can get freky with some other chick and get her off... but not me. I Went to Kevin's to get a quick booty call this afternoon so I wouln't be horney when I get home. That's working so far. Still those two have been up there for a really long time... and I know damn well they'v done it more then once. He said she wouldn't be spending the night... but I serously doubt it. I know damn well she's gona be here well pased midnight. I just want them to be done so I can go to bed. I feel like shit, not cus of her being here so much just from being at my parents. they make me so god damn depressed that all of my energy just drains from me. shit I could barley stayed focused on the drive home. I'm gona give them another half hour... then if they aren't done... I'm gona take my Walkman, pillow, blanket and sleep on the couch in the basement. I shouldn't have to but Whatever I gess. I didn't think this would be a problem but it is now. So there are gona be some new rules made in my house about "guests". The main one is gona be WHEN they can be here. If Ben is gona have fuck buddies over... I don't want any overnighters... at least not when I'm here. If I am they gota leave before 11 pm. I am not gona be banished to the basment cus he wants to stay up all night being loud with one of his chickas. And if he has a problem with me making rules about who is alowed in MY apprtment... then I gess he wants to be on my bad side. I don't want us to start going down that road. I'm not saying he can't have anyone over at all.... I would just perfer if it was durring the day or when I'm not here. I don't feel comforatble with another girl being here, especaily for the reason she is here. I would perfer not to have any contact with them... which means staying as far away from them as possible. but the main thing is not hearing what goes on. cus honestly then I will start getting jelouse... but with these walls being thin that's already started to happen. So If I can hear what goes on two stories down... I couldn't posibly even try to go to sleep in my own bed that's one room over from his. This is MY apartment and I have the right to sleep in My own Room! So bottom line from now on is gona be this.. if the girl isn't gone by the time I wana go to bed... then both of you should find a new place to have fun. Sorry for being a bitch but I can't handle this shit. If you gota problem with my decision... things will only get worse from here. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, December 28th, 2009
10:19 am	Why Bother? I get the feeling Ben dosn't want me around as much I have been latly. I admit I have been getting a bit clingy. I'v also been extremly horney and I'v been buggin him a little too much about it. I don't know if I should just leave him alone all toghter or what... cus I'm going nowhere. I have a strong will to just want to be around him but at what cost? I feel hurt and confused. Maybe for right now I should just take a couple days vacation and clear my head. He'll be ok for a copuple days by himself I'm sure. he lives on the computer anyways and probely wont notice I'm gone... at least not right away. I have some shit to take care of in Mason County anyways. One close out my old bank account and transfer what's left into Huntington. Two I gota get the tailpipe of my car fixed (it fell off). Not to mention the rear breaks need replacing. three stop at Bonser's and get more meat... I'm thinking steak. Four, reaply for my life insurance cus the app period timed out. Need to see Kevin and find out what else is going wrong in his life. I'm hoping I can get copies of some of the movies he has. that and If I'm there I know I'll get layed... he wont let me leave if I don't. Only down side is staying at my parents Plus driving there and back. I hate snow. Before I leave I gota deposit my last paycheck. I'll need all the money I can get. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 27th, 2009
10:42 pm	Sex life? Listening to the "New Jangles Bootleg album" At the moment cus most of Nathans songs I can relate to. Still pretty kick ass that I gota freind that's an awsome songwriter/performer. I see so much potental in his Music that he could easly make the billboard top 40. Audition for America's Got Talent or something man!! Anyways back to my post.. I'm becoming Sexualy frustrated... even tho I got Ben here. Problem latly is I'v been wanting it more then he dose. Ya Masterbation works but only as a temporary solution to a bigger problem. I'm just generaly turned on by Him... which means I'm Horney almost 24/7. Not sure what it would take to kill my hormones off for a day or two but its starting to drive me nuts here. The other probelm is when we have sex I don't get off... and that I have come to realize is more my problem then his. I'll get really close.. then just die insted of actualy reaching full orgasum. Have no fuckin clue why.. but I know its me and not him. The other thing that has been bothering me is that I'v been asking him for a specific favor and I havn't gotton it yet. I give him oral but I havn't gotton it in return... which is something I really want. I might actauly get off from that but how will I know untill it happends? I just wonder if there's a secret reason why he dosn't want to. He can talk about it to other chicks and tell them he loves it but wont do it to me? Come on Man why you holding out on me? Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Friday, December 25th, 2009
11:58 am	Just another Holiday Well its Christmas... another Holiday that I don't get to spend with Julian. I really miss him. Last night as I was driving home from my parents (I had Christmas Eve Dinner with them) I decided to stop by Vicy and Roy's to Wish them a Merry Christmas. We talked about the usual... the end of the World... then we started talking about Jude. Ever Since Jude died I'v blamed GOD for it and have been mad at him ever since. How could he take the one thing in the world that I loved the most away from me? Vicy tryed to find an answer to my questions. I'v heard some the responces before but those were like right after it all happend. He's in a better place... Just think of all the shit God spared him from... God put him here as a test... He is one of God's childern and it was time for him to come home... those I'v all heard, but from my side I was just angry. I don't care if he thought it was time for Jude to be in heaven.... I wanted my Son! My entire life has been like this... God gives me something good in my life and just when everything looks like things are gona work out... he takes everything that I'v worked twords Away from me. so its not just him taking Jude that spawned off this hatred twords him.... that's just what drew the line for me. This really bothered Vicy, me hating God. But serously can you blame me? Still she wanted me to get over it... like everyone else dose. Since after that happend I havn't asked God for anything cus everytime I do he screws me over. Only time a really ask him for anything is on behalf of someone else. Anyways... she tryed to tell me that Jude was only ment to be in my care for that short time.... (something close to what everyone else was telling me; I just don't like hearing it.) But then she started talking about me hating God and if I kept it up and didn't let it go I might not see Jude in heaven. Didn't think about that before. I'm still mad at him tho for takin the only thing that actualy brought me happyness. No matter how depressed/suicidal I got.. just looking at Jude's smile and hearing his laugh... could change my mood completly around. No one has ever been able to do that. He really was something speacail... and for god to take that away from me... hurt worse then anything I'v ever gone thru. So I don't care what his reasons were for taking jude... to me it was a stab in the back and the heart. Vicy's words were comforting but the pain is still and always will be there. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
11:59 am	Ok I need some advice on this one... My head and my heart are starting to get the better of me. I really want to be with Ben but he dosn't want anything serouse... especaly not with me right now. I technicaly don't wana get too serous either but a part of me just wants to say he is mine. I just love him so much that it hurts. (Almost reminds me of the Song "Last Ride"... I'v been saturated.. I'v been chared and twisted by what you'v giving me... so far.) I'v been thinking...how long will it be before he desides he wants to start dating someone else? I'm not sure if I can handle that, especaly now that we're living under the same roof. If he stays "single" I don't have a problem with him wanting to go out and get a botty call from somone else cus I still get one from Kevin (whether I want to or not it seems). Hell at this point if we did decide to start dating... I'd still let him do that cus I know he'll still be comming home to me. I honestly have no problem being in a Swingers relationship just as long as everyone is honest with eachother. (it didn't work with kev cus he went behind my back.) There is something else that's been bugging me... a month ago he said that he wasn't In Love with me... Now he says he dose love me. God I wana belive that, but I really need to know how much he really dose love me to know if it is true. After Kevin its hard to belive anyone would really love me and mean it. That and the fact it seems I'v screwed up almost every relationship I'v been in... why would I deserve anyone? It'd be nice to just "live happly ever after" but with the way my whole life has been I don't think it will happen. I had it once and it only lasted for 3 months... then my family fell apart. Which brings me back to the present. I want to have a family of my own again....but I'm afriad the same thing will happen. But maybe beacuse of the fact I'm too scared to let anything go wrong... it wont. wishfull thinking. Am I crazy for wanting Ben and I to be toghter this badly? And dose anyone think we could actualy make it work if we did? Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
12:30 pm	Lost lyrics? Trying to find the Origanal Lyrics to my song "Girl From Michigan," but can't seem to find it in Nathan's old entries. I may have over looked it since I'm trying to remember what Year he wrote it. I know it was around the time me and Kevin moved in togher but can't remember if it was before or after Jude was born. For some reason I'v really been wanting to hear that song. Had it on my computer before it crashed a couple years ago but never thought about askin Nate for another MP3 file. It's a slightly corny song abuot me but I still wana hear it. So Nathan, if you still got that song somewhere send it to me in an E-mail. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
7:46 pm	Wow Nobody has posted anything in like over three weeks!! I know a lot of shit has happned to alot of differt people on here but nobody posts about it no more. Why? I need to vent something almost every other day. gess I need to more then most. This week so far has been stressfull with exams but at least that's almost over. Thank God. There is smething really bugging me and its not about school. Julian. I'm getting really depressed over him again and I think I know why. When Ben's kids were here, I kinda switched into mommy mode and that brought back memories. After Ben took them home he came back a little depressed cus they went back home to Jessy. I can simpathize with him missing them but not to the level he's at. From my point of view he's damn lucky to have them for the time he dose, and I hate to say this but, I wouldn't be upset about havning them gone for a few days. I'LL NEVER HAVE MY KID BACK, EVER AND YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY IMAGINE THE PAIN I'M IN!! SO DON'T CRY TO ME ABOUT NOT HAVING YOUR KIDS WITH YOU 24/7, CUS I'D TRADE YOU PLACES IN A HEARTBEAT JUST TO SPEND ONE MORE HOUR WITH JULIAN. Tryed talking to Kevin about this and he just wanted to change the subject. I tryd bringing up have another kid with him and he shot me down. "ya I want more kids, just not with you." So he's thinking of knockin up some chick that's already got a BF. Oh ya, smart move Kev. I honestly don't think he's gona find anyone that will be that willing to hook up with him just to have kids. Plus he still has it in his head that'll he'll be the one taking care of the kid. Ummm you didn't take care of Julian what makes you think you'll do any better with another? Which makes me wonder if I really want to have another kid with him. I do want to have more kids tho. I really miss being a mommy and that might help me with my grief over julian. I miss being able to hold my own kid in my arms, play with them, and watch them sleep and grow. So it really hurts me to watch Ben interact with his kids, just cus I'm so fuckin jelouse. Which reminds me... Logan is starting to get attached to me and it kinda makes me nervous. Somehow he's getting the impression that I'm not just "aunt Christine." He actauly made the sugestion that I was daddy's new gf and we were all gona live happly ever after togther someday. That's wishfull thinking Logan but I wouldn't hold on to that dream to tight. Would I like to see that happen? Ya I wouldn't mind but I'm not gona do anything to push the issue. I'm leaving all that up to Ben to decide. I'm honestly done trying to make stuff happen cus it backfires. things run smother when I just go with the flow anyways. Another thought to that.... I'v realized I'm starting to become a bit clignly. Ok alot clingly. Gess having you here is still a distration. I just want to hold you and love you that's all. what I really like are the little things like just being able to rub your shoulders and listen to you talk about what's on your mind. I could listen to you ramble on for hours about nothing... and I'd still wana hear more. what I really love tho is just being able to cuddle up next to you when you fall asleep, even if you still end up keeping me awake all night. You have no clue how nice it is to have someone to hold/be held by when I go to bed for the night. I should make a post devoted to the top 50 reasons why I Love you. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 13th, 2009
9:34 am	long day ahead of me... I'm going to be as breif as possible.... today's agenda finish two projects, My rockin chair and my model of my "small House". Ben's gona take the kids home today so I'll have the appartment mostly to myself... No distrations. that should be a big help. Gota waite till they get up before I can start messing with my chair project cus that requires turnin on my power tools. So, in the meantime its back to the drawing board Literaly.. to fix the flaws from my last design. Last night I wanted to hang out with them cus I kinda miss being around an actual family. Granted me and Kev were for a short while but that died fast. Ben's a really good Dad... the kind of dad I wish Kevin was. Logan and Kota are really cute kids and I think they really like me. Not lookin to take over as Mommy but.... the idea dosn't scare me either. Things between me and Ben are good Right now... and I'd like to keep things the way they are for the time being. Maybe after a few years I'll want something more but right now we're both happy. Why mess with a good thing? As long as you love me, I can let you be as free as you want, and I wont be jelouse. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
8:22 pm	exam Week... Next week is exam week and I have Just this weekend to get almost two weeks of homework done. So I'm a little stressed and just flat out depressed cus I know half of it wont get completed. I got Two projects for design due MONDAY!! My fuckin chair that I skipped completing last week cus the fucker Broke on me. so I gota rebuild another one. plus I gota make a model of my "small house" which I havn't completed the floor plans for. with Work tommorow I'm not gona have much time after I get home. Then I have an added distration.... Ben's kids. That will be the challange for this weekend. Do my homework without letting them get on my nerves. I am normaly very patient with Kids....but that's If I'm in a decent mood. If I'm already at wits end with myself.... my general pateince with anyone wont last long. Right now I feel like nothing will get done cus that goal seems imposible to reach in such a short time. What I need is a hug and some words of real encoaragement. Not sure if that will help or not but the thought is nice. OMG I'm so fuckin tyred. Don't know when Logan is gona Actualy go to bed tonight... but the second he dose I'll be out cold. In the meantime I should try to finish my second floor plan. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Monday, December 7th, 2009
8:38 pm	Well woke up this morring feeling sicker then a dog so I went to the health center to get checked out. Got the flu and a touch of Broncittis, so ya I'm in great shape.. after wards deposited my check from Westview then headed out to Ben's Moms where he was staying with the kids. Between my car and his moms...bf or whatever he is.. van we headed back to my palce. the minute we got done loading everything In the house.. I ran upstairs and puked. I tryed going thru the call list for work but half way... I had to heve again. tryed one more time to call people but again ran back upstairs and heved. then I layed down. Ben's pretty much settled in and getting drunk in his new room. I wouldn't mind havn one small drink providing I don't heve right away... but I'd rather have something else. this is day One of us living toghter. hope this works... Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 5th, 2009
8:20 pm	No news is good news... till you hear it. There is something I'v thought about that didn't really acure to me till today. I want to say what my thoughts are but Can't... Not now. I still don't know if I'm right about this or not. When I know, you'll know... just Please don't ask. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 4th, 2009
2:40 pm	A New leaf Turned... Well yesterday around 11:00 Ben calls me asking if I wanted to help him move to his x Ash's house. I thought about my afternoon class and remembered it was just gona be a lab day so I figured hell I can skip it to help him out. Well I get there and We find out that we gota waite till Ash's caseworker shows up before we can move his stuff in. ok, so we decided to go get the rest of Ben's shit from a guy living upstairs from Andy's but before we go up there a lady informs us that ben's shit has been sold. at frist we were hoping it was only a few things, but when we looked in the closet... it was almost empty. Ben was royly pissed/heartbroken over the shit that was taken. Some of the stuff can ya be replaced but some of it can't. the mintue he said that he "had" his book collection stored up there I'm thinking OMG no. I know how much he loved those books and I know how long he had been collecting them.... that I really felt bad about. well we tryed the pawn shop and found a few of his things but right now we can't get it back. well, we managed to grab what was left at that guys place and load it in my car before heaidng out to ash's. She wasn't there when we got there but we unpacked anyways. It may have been 5 mintutes after we got done when she came home and droped us a bobmshell.... Ben had to get his stuff outa there. Jessy had been fighting with CPS and Ben about the kids stayin with ben at Ash's. the place aint perfect but it was better then what Rose and her kids lived in. the deal with CPS was that if Ben was gona stay there Ash would lose Her kids. Ben was already stressed out from his stuff getting stolen... now the only place He thought he could stay just told him he had to get all of his shit out tonight. I saw the look of disbelife on his face as he was trying to tell himself.. this aint happening. By this time, I knew what had to be done. He started talking about the events of the day and the minture he said... I got no where else to go now.. I said "Like hell you dont" he started mentioning other places that he knew of but couldn't really stay at, not having the slightest clue what I ment, till I told him he could stay with me. that shocked him a bit I think, cus he wasn't expecting me to stick my neck out for him like that. (You serouly under-esamate how much I care about you. Your one of my Best fuckin freinds I will NOT let you be homeless. even If I have to risk losing everything, I don't care.) So, we re-pack his shit in my car, and go back to Andy's to see what else we can take with us. Then Jessy decides she wants to have a few Words with Ben... without me of coarse. so I go to Andy's and give him the news. I sat inside for about a half hour before I start geting worried; as stressed out as Ben is I hope Jessy don't make him snap. Sara told me to just go over there. At frist I'm thinking ya right.... me agenst Jessy.... ummm I'll be in intensive care. but after another 15 minutes I'm like WTF... Might as well. So I head over and notice they aint at Jessy's they're upstairs.... I hung around till I heard the yelling stop, then went back to Andy's. It was maybe 10 minutes later they both came back to Andy's. Suprisinly Jessy was civil with me, cus if she wasn't I would have givin her a peice of my mind. I'll behave as long as she dose. So, we pack what we can in my car and take the back roads to my place. He had fun getting the door to that other room unlocked, and once it was open we huled his shit in there. we hung out for a bit till he complained he needed a shower.. so I told him to take one here, shit your gona be living her now why not? I was gona get online and check my mafia wars till he asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him... that I coulnd't say no to. after wards we just lay on my bed talkin and cuddlin... I couln't have been happer. eventualy we ended up having sex... (hopfuly this is soomething I can look forward to more often.) then It was time to take him back to Baldwin. By this time Next monday he'll be staying with me till the end of next semester... unless we find somewhere else before then. I'm hoping this will be a great oppertunity for both of us. especaly if we find a place to rent that's not owned by ferris state. then after grad I'll have someplace to crash while I try and get a job for the summer and look into other degree's that I can get into at school. Hoping I can work for that guy in GR. He's got my dream job... designing Frank Llyod Wright Style homes that are all Green build projects and LEED certified. Right now tho, all I can think about is the fact that One of my Best freinds is gona be my roomate for the next 5-6 months. Ya I love you like crazy right now and I'm lovin the idea that your gona stay with me but... I don't like that fact of Why this ended up happening. still, I'm gona make the most of this and do whatever I can to keep you happy while your here. I screwed up a long time ago... not gona let that happen again. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)